I have No Guts and I Hate Myself for It
Okay, not really but I had to get your attention! Oh, the issues. Where do I start? The public blog thing does make it a little tricky to fully expose what I'm going through, so I'll speak more in generalities (not that I really think the involved parties will look at my blog but still...)
Assertiveness. Are we born with this? Can we learn it? Why do I possess this trait in some contexts and not in others? Do the people who have this trait even know it? If it's not hard for you to be direct or "tough", can you even be called "assertive"? Does being assertive mean there is effort involved? I have become painfully aware lately that in certain situations, I am a complete...non-existent, bland, wimpy doormat.
Or am I just really humble and nice?
No. That's not it. Because there's fear involved. I'm not purposefully "turning the other cheek". I just can't get the nerve up to say what I want to say. I somehow feel...unentitled. Why?
There is a certain business relationship in which I have not been assertive. I have been silent, nice, accomodating. Now, I am being---in the current vernacular---screwed. Sorry, but there's just no better way to put it people! I am having a very difficult time with this. I cannot "let it go". It bothers me. It angers me. But most shocking to me, it actually hurts me. I want people to be nice. I want them to be fair. I don't want to have to get "geared up" just to have conversations with people. I don't want to have a stomach ache for days after one 2-minute conversation with certain people. And yet, I do.
Does this person have any idea of the effect he/she has on me? Probably not. Is is my own fault for not being more assertive/tough/no-nonsense in the beginning? Probably, but it is not the beginning anymore...
Am I crazy? This is one situation in 100. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I don't have a problem speaking my mind, telling people what I think, and doing what I want to do. But there is this...and it really, really bugs me.
A wide-open post, I know, but I welcome your comments!
Assertiveness. Are we born with this? Can we learn it? Why do I possess this trait in some contexts and not in others? Do the people who have this trait even know it? If it's not hard for you to be direct or "tough", can you even be called "assertive"? Does being assertive mean there is effort involved? I have become painfully aware lately that in certain situations, I am a complete...non-existent, bland, wimpy doormat.
Or am I just really humble and nice?
No. That's not it. Because there's fear involved. I'm not purposefully "turning the other cheek". I just can't get the nerve up to say what I want to say. I somehow feel...unentitled. Why?
There is a certain business relationship in which I have not been assertive. I have been silent, nice, accomodating. Now, I am being---in the current vernacular---screwed. Sorry, but there's just no better way to put it people! I am having a very difficult time with this. I cannot "let it go". It bothers me. It angers me. But most shocking to me, it actually hurts me. I want people to be nice. I want them to be fair. I don't want to have to get "geared up" just to have conversations with people. I don't want to have a stomach ache for days after one 2-minute conversation with certain people. And yet, I do.
Does this person have any idea of the effect he/she has on me? Probably not. Is is my own fault for not being more assertive/tough/no-nonsense in the beginning? Probably, but it is not the beginning anymore...
Am I crazy? This is one situation in 100. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I don't have a problem speaking my mind, telling people what I think, and doing what I want to do. But there is this...and it really, really bugs me.
A wide-open post, I know, but I welcome your comments!
posted by Qian Jia Ting @ 4:44 PM
10 Comments:
At March 4, 2008 at 6:58 PM ,
Hannah said...
I lack that at times as well. I can't say no to people when they ask me to do things...and then I am so angry with myself.
I am really sorry, Lori. I hope it works out!
At March 4, 2008 at 8:23 PM ,
Athack77 said...
On the flip side (as someone who speakers he mind too often) it can still hurt just as bad when you speak your mind because even though you feel so strongly about something and want to rip some one a new one, when you do because you can say the words just right so you feel better and they know how worng they are, later you have to repent for not using self control and "turning the other cheeck." Don't get me worng some times something should be said. You have a right not to be treated like crap or taken advantage of. A therapist once told me (after I told him how I stayed on the phone while my mom yelled at me for 5 minutes and then I hung up on her and felt terrible) would you let a total stranger yell at you, and I said no. Then he replied then neither should your family. If this is someone that you will deal with regularly and you're offended, go talk to them in person when you both have a few minutes and tell them how you feel. I'd fast and pray first for strength if you're nervous about it. You have a right not to be taken advantage of. Your feelings matter too because they are yours, and you matter!
At March 4, 2008 at 8:26 PM ,
Bethany @ The Paper Pony said...
Lori, you are a nice person and that is not bad. And all of uss have looked back on situations and wished we could have been more assertive. I am great at assertiveness when I gear up for it and expect it, but roll over when it is sprung on me. Maybe it's like having sex, you know, you make the decision to abstain until marriage WAY before you have to put that into practice... maybe we have to decide to be more assertive and speak our mind more often before the need arises... still scary. You're awesome!
At March 4, 2008 at 11:14 PM ,
Andelin said...
Yeah, hard...hmmm...I think what I'll say is that your feelings don't lie. They are telling you that something under it all is rotten! And you are right to notice it and take issue with it. There are a lot of manipulative people out there, even when they don't realize it, they can be selfishly hurting others without even really noticing (though sometimes they know, but are still too afraid of where they'd be without feeling the control). But it's not good to turn the other cheek in this instance because it is hurting both of you by allowing the person to continue to do wrong. It's enabling...like the "giving a drunk a drink" type of thing. In other words, sometimes people can step all over personal boundaries while making the person being stepped on feel guilty (either that it's the victim's own fault or that he/she has no right to protest). It can get so mixed up in one's head as to who's responsible for what and where to feel at fault where there is none to be had, etc.
When someone really has you under his/her thumb, sometimes it can take the help of a counselor to help straighten it all out. Like Amy said, those kind of people can really help you figure out what's really going on under the "he said, she said" specifics.
But, counselor aside, although it may be hard, you have a right to maintain your autonomy and self respect and if someone is threatening that in you, right there it tells me that they have crossed a line somewhere and need to back off...and sorry to say, but you're the one that's going to have to do it. It's a matter of protecting something very precious...yourself. If it was your child, you might have more strength to tell them where you draw the line. Think of yourself as your own child and you are going to take care of yourself by reestablishing your boundaries.
And that's all I think that needs to be done, is to tell what you will and won't do. (i.e. "I'm sorry that you've found yourself in such a situation, I wish you good luck, but I can not/will not do ... or hear.... or listen to....because I found that it effects me too much for the worse"...I'm just shooting in the dark here, as you know, but hopefully you can get the picture of what I'm saying. Just state what you are willing or not willing and why. And then stand your ground despite any tantrum that may follow and I think you'll find that you will have a refreshing feeling of freedom, truth and happiness as a result. Because you were truthful, honest and kind (whether this person realizes it or not it is only self defeating for themselves to continue this type of behavior) and taking care of a very special person...you!
Hope that helps. Good luck!~Bethany
At March 4, 2008 at 11:19 PM ,
Andelin said...
P.S. It's nice to hear from you again! ;-)
At March 5, 2008 at 9:12 AM ,
Desmama said...
Interesting post. I've thought about this very thing and am still trying to figure out my own feelings on it. I'm going to keep thinking about it and hopefully get back . . . or maybe post something of my own.
At March 5, 2008 at 9:57 AM ,
Headle said...
Lori-
You are so open and honest!! I love that about you! :)
Possibly writing a letter or email would be better? I know I can never articulate how I feel very well in the heat of a moment. I usually have to sort through my thoughts, the pros and cons, and council with Dan before I can really see things clearly.
I'm so sorry that you've had this added stress in your life :( Hopefully it will be resolved soon! Whatever it is, its just not worth all your precious energy worrying over it!! You have WAY TOO MUCH GOOD to offer!! I say close the deal and move to something better for you!! You deserve only the BEST!! :)
Love ya,
Hea
At March 5, 2008 at 9:17 PM ,
William Qian said...
Gosh, I have wonderful friends! I think I'll start posting more of what I normally keep more private (such as the current issue). It's nowhere near resolved yet and is really forcing me to analyze a lot of things about myself and about people in general. However, I found it VERY helpful to read your comments and to feel support, perspective, and intelligent, real response. I am grateful for this way of communicating---just put an issue out there and open the discussion. Very therapeutic indeed. Thank you! And keep the dialoge going, if you think of other related comments.
At March 6, 2008 at 5:58 AM ,
Sara G said...
It's crazy, sometimes I am overly assertive and say things w/o thinking. Other times I fold like a cheap shirt to avoid confrontation. It's hard to speak your mind to some people because you don't want them to know they actually got to you. Good luck...sorry I'm not much help.
At March 13, 2008 at 4:35 PM ,
Pam Brumble said...
Lori - Interesting that I just read this blog. Steve is going through the very same thing at work right now. Extremely frustrating!!! This might be one of those times to let time heal, but for now, I want to go in and yell at the jerk who hurt my husband!!!
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